After my new realization from last night (lol).. there are some things I want to write out and keep reminding myself …
This list probably doesn’t makes a lotta sense to you all, lol, but it helps me. 
Hello Hello. It has been a while since I last posted a blog; but I realized something today and I wanted to write it down for myself and anyone else. After having a really good therapy session with my therpaist, and a great bible study tonight - that has helped me connect some dots - I have come to realize that I have faulty beliefs and a false sense of security when I over/under eat. (i don’t know if that makes sense, so I will try to explain) I say I cannot eat that ONE brownie because it will make me fat (false belief), I say I’m going to eat nothing to feel better about myself (false security), I say I already ate 1 brownie so I blew it and I’m going to eat the whole pan and then I’ll start over tomorrow (false belief and security), or if I skip lunch I will lose weight quicker (false security). So, with that, I began thinking why I have these strange beliefs and feelings, when they are not true and ultimeatly don’t help. I think, it is becaus I want something a little more real. True, I would love a thinner body and would like to have more self control… but what I need is *freedom*
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to feel comfortable around food. I want to be incontrol of food, and not be completely freaked out by it. And, I really think the only way I’m going to get freedom from food, is to honestly in my heart remember that anything is okay in moderation. And that is sooo the truth. Almost EVERYTIME I have a binge it’s because I don’t allow myself to have what I am really craving (when I’m hungry) and I end up overeating ALOT to compensate. Then the worse part is, I end up eating whatever it is I wanted anyways. I know this is a really important KEY to my recovery.
I have come to the point in my life where I want to enjoy and savor whatever food I’m blessed to have. I’m ready to be thankful for the tasty treat, healthy helping, or delicious dish and not be peranoid I’m gaining weight, or angry that I can’t have what I truly want. And the hard part is… that it has to start right now. Right now, at the weight of 148 on the day I just had a binge, and right in the middle of my week. It cannot wait until I lose 20 lbs, when I gain control of my cravings, or when I can have a clean fresh start. My freedom must start now.
I just have to remind myself that it isn’t the 1 brownie that makes me fat, or the one resturante meal, bowl of icecream, or occasional pizza for dinner. It is the fulty beliefs and securities I have placed on these foods that has made me over weight. And once I can take those beliefs, securities, judgments, and anxiety away from all foods, it will be okay. Once I am thankful and can ENJOY that food the desire to binge and overeat and starve will be gone… and then soon… those extra pounds will be too! Most importantly… I have to learn to TRUST myself with food and I have to have faith that it will be okay and that food is not the one that is in control. I have to willpower and the desire to succeed… I just have to trust myself. I have to find the happy medium!
So, I stuck to my promise for breakfast… I ate more (I didn’t mind too much about keeping that promise - lol) I made another smoothie (just cuz I really like them) Here is my protein smoothie: 1 cup fat free yogurt, 1 serving of 1% cottage cheese, silken smoothie tofu, skim milk, cococut oil, milled flax seed, protein powder, and some splenda for sweetness. It may not sound that good.. but I loved it. Then I ate an apple as well. All togther is was around 550 calories. I’m okay with that. I might as well try giving this new idea a shot, since what I was trying to do in the past wasn’t working.
Another really frusturating thing that is going on right now is my back. My sciatiac nerve is being pinched right now (and for the past 2 weeks) and although I’ve been seeing a chiropractor, I’m not seeing too much change. It’s really painful. And really frusturating. One thing I’ve always had going for me is that I love to run, but now I can’t really even do that. Everytime I try, it kills my back, and the back of my leg goes completely numb! So… I’m thinkin it’s probably a better idea just to lay low for a while. I’ve been trying to do a little walking, but after abour 15 minutes the pain is pretty bad. O well… it will get better in time.
Today, I was reading an article on binge eating. One of the ways the article suggested to stop your binge eating is to eat a big hearty breakfast. (which I have heard before - but some reason never clicked). However, I think I could have figured something out that may help me.
Usually for breakfast I eat around 200-300 calories. Then for lunch I have about the same amount. I eat breakfast at 7 and do lunch around noon. Both of these meals are usually low fat carbs, fat free dairy, and fruit. Then by 2:00.. I’m hungry and when I try to go for a snack, I just can’t seem to control anything and I eat well… anything, and everything.
So, I’ve decided to make a promise to myself. Even though my mind does not like the thought that I will be eating more, I’m going to start making my first two meals around 500 calories, and make sure I get some good fats in there too. I laugh because the thought of eating a 500 or even 600 calorie meal makes my cringe, but when I think about how many calories I eat in a binge (1000-5000) 600 is NOTHING.
It just worries me that I will still continue looking the same, but trying to live on 1300 calories a day just isn’t working for me. I really like to keep busy and when I’m on that low of a number, all I do is wait around for my next meal. It’s just not for me. Another thing I’ve been told is to just try and eat more often. Well, I have tried this MANY times, and honestly it’s very hard to make time to eat that many times in the day, and I really am not all that well at detecting when I NEED to eat. I think sticking to about 3 or 4 mini/regular meals a day will do my just fine. I will let ya know how it goes tomorrow!
Does anyone have any comments about eating more and either gaining weight or losing weight? Or has anyone had a past experience kind of like this and found a way out? :) Thanks
So day two and going good. I had some yogurt mixed with a protein scoop and some fruit for breakfast. I really want to stick with it this time. Trying to get dressed for my sister’s house was a really big wake up call. I really saw what I had done to my body from all the binging. It is just so frusturating because I want results right away. I have a few good days and I expect some drastic results. It’s funny really, and I don’t understand why I get so upset when theres no change. I guess I should just keep focusing on eating well and taking care of myself, and not about my weight loss. It’s just hard.
2nd update for the day. I just had lunch. I made another smoothie. It’s was delicious. lol. I used yogurt, soy tofu, cottage cheese, frozen berries, orange juice, and a little bit of almond extract. I was impressed. :) Another really awesome thing about this week is that every night I am working at my church’s Vacation Bible School, and since nights are usually when I have the urge to binge, hopefully this well keep my mind off of it! :) I really hope this motivation keeps up. Well, I will write a little more later.
Well so far so good. I’de hope so considering it’s only 9:00 in the morning. I started my day off a little different today. Instead of waking up and going straight to the kitchen for breakfast I stayed in bed and journaled for a little bit. I think it was really helpful. It gave me time to fully wake up and (being a spiritual person) gave me some time to talk to God as well. So, I’m happy with that. Then when I finally did go to eat breakfast I had a fruit smoothie. It consisted of 1 fat free yogurt, acai smoothie pack, frozen mixed berries, orange juice, and some ice. I got full pretty fast because we had a big dinner last night. But anyways.. One meal down, two more to go.
I am kinda nervous for lunch though, and for a couple of reasons. First of all we are going over to my sisters to grill out. It always seems that the second I get motivated there is something like this that causes major temptation and makes it alot harder to eat healthier foods. Second of all, the new guy I’m dating is probably going to come. He has been around my family a lot, so I’m not too worried about that. I just feel so insecure with myself right now, that I really don’t want him to see me. I feel like a puffed up walrus and I really can’t imagine trying to put on cute clothes right now. But… I must face the music. Well, I’m off to church pretty soon, so I guess I will let you know how the rest of the day goes.
All in all, things went pretty well today. I had a sensible lunch and dinner. And, I was able to find something I felt somewhat comfortable in. The thing that just totally blew me out of the water is how large I actually have gotten. It didn’t really hit me until today. I knew I had been gaining weight, but actually having to try clothes on really got me to notice how much my body has changed. Like, it’s really serious for me to get this undercontrol. I can always be thankful that I’ve noticed now, and not an ounce heavier… right? Well tomorrow is day two… we shall see how it goes. Thanks again for everyones support through day 1. Have a wonderful night, and God bless.
I just really anted to thnk everyone for their encouragement over the last few days. I felt so low, and thought about canceling my account here, but after seeing all the encouragement and support from everyone.. it really got me motivated and it was really great to see kindness and acceptance when I was doing so bad. So thanks!
And now I have a whole new burt of strength to break my binging. I don’t care if I have to post 1o blogs a day. I am going to do what ever it takes to NOT give in! :) Thanks a lot again everyone.
I’m sinking here. With each slip up, I am becoming more and more discouraged. I have a hard time believing in myself, and and I cannot be trusted around food. So, what am I to do? The thought of attempting to diet or lose weight terrifies me. Not because I do not want to lose the weight, but because I’m so afraid of slipping up again. Each time I make the slightest bit of progress, I end up messing everything up, and ususally end up gaining more weight. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I know all the normal tips: EXERCISE, eat 4-6 small meals a day, eat fruits and vegetables…. I know ALOT about losing weight. But what I don’t know is how to stop the desire to binge, and how to become a normal eater with a healthy weight.
Dear Mr. Binge,
After a year of developing quite an interesting realtionship with you, I am sad to say I must leave. I wanted to thank you for spending the past year with me, for you have helped me learn a lot about myself and my emotions. Although this realtionship must come to an end I shall never forget you. How could I? We have been through so much.
I will never forget all the crazy times driving to the grocery stores and fast food joints then feeling utterly sick afterwards. I’ll never forget how you were always waiting for me when I came home from a late at night out or when I was tired from a long day of work. You were always there waiting and ready to console any type of mood I was in. You would even show up unexpecteadly and change all the plans I had made for that day. But, most of all, I will never forget how you took over the roll of the many boys I tried dating, the nights planned to go out with the girls, and evenings I had intended to spend with the family. You were truly always by my side, and were never far from mind.
I know this farewell letter does not even crack the surface of our deep connection, but I feel like I have to let you know how much you have impacted my life. Although we’ve been through a lot, it is now time for me to leave you. Please don’t come around asking me to take you back, and don’t try bribing me with goodies. This is something I need to do for myself. We had a great run, but it’s time for me to move on with my life. So, I bid thee adue and fairwell forever my friend.
Emma
Earlier I read a post that suggested listing all the reasons why you want to accomplish your goals… so I thought I would give it a shot..
Reasons why I want to Lost Weight and Develop Healthy Eating Habits:
1. Fit into my jeans
2. Feel comfortable in cute clothes
3. Improve my mental health
4. Improve my physical health
5. Feel better about myself and gain confidence
6. Go swimming with my friends
7. No more isolation or staying in because of binge attacks
8. Being proud of who I am
9. Having my T-Shirts be baggy again
10. Feel comfortable when my guy puts his arms around me
11. Happiness
12. My profession
Comments(3)
XML Feed
